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Getting your Toddler to Listen to You

If you’re tired of hearing the word NO from your toddler, you’re not alone. Here’s how to avoid toddler tantrums and turn every no into a yes.

by: Annye Rothenberg

reschoolers are amazing little people, but they can also be oppositional, impulsive, self-centered, inflexible and illogical–especially when upset. They also have a narrow and literal understanding of words. If you feel as though you and your toddler are speaking two different languages, here's how to communicate on their level:

Talking to your toddler

Toddlers often say "no" to requests and directions and, when you insist, they can become defiant. When they're stuck on saying "no," it's easy to get annoyed and threaten them or force them to cooperate, or to just give in and do the task yourself, which is also not the answer. Here are a few ways you can avoid tantrums and get your toddler to listen to you:

1. Phrase your directions so they sound fun and/or interesting. Try saying something like, "Pretty soon, it's going to be time to make some holes in the paper cup so we can take it in your bath and play." If you can't come up with anything, you can suggest doing something he can look forward to after he's done brushing his teeth, such as reading a favorite book.

Another way to get toddlers to follow directions is to try having his toys "talk" to him, so his stuffed lion might say: "I don't want to lie on the rug. I want to be in the box with my friends." Preschoolers love that. Although they often can't stop themselves from saying "no," you can help the "no" become a "yes" by making it easy and fun for them to cooperate.  

2. It's also important to watch how you phrase directions to preschoolers. Most parents say something like, "How about picking up your toys?" or "Do you want to come inside now?" when it's not really a choice. Toddlers are so literal that they hear it as a question, which they answer with "no." Instead, try phrasing it as a fun and/or interesting request, not as a question, such as, "Let's play clean-up."

3. When you want small children to do what you ask, giving advance notice is often very effective: "In a little while, it will be time to..."

4. To prevent tantrums and difficult behavior, it helps to have well-established routines and regular times for dressing, eating, tooth-brushing, toy pickup, TV watching, bed, etc. This helps reduce continual limit-testing.

5. Spend one-on-one time with your preschooler regularly doing something that's fun for both of you. He should know you're doing it just because you enjoy his company–and he'll be more likely to cooperate with you as a result of having had this special time with you.

6. The less sleep your toddler gets, the more difficult his behavior is likely to be. Preschoolers need enough sleep at regular times–about 12 hours for a three-year-old, 11.5 hours for a four-year-old, 11 hours for a five-year-old. Falling short by more than an hour is a problem. Insufficient sleep triggers defiant and moody behavior.

Toddlers also need about an hour a day of heart-pounding exercise (running after a soccer ball, biking, jumping, etc.). Sleep, exercise and regular meals and snacks are important habits that are essential when it comes to enabling kids to have better control over their emotions.

Preschoolers need special understanding and adapting your approach to fit their capabilities will help make family life happier and more satisfying. As children get closer to kindergarten age, they become more rational and logical and respond to reasoning more often. But preschoolers are delightful and amazing, so enjoy that age while it lasts.

Meet our expert:

Annye Rothenberg, Ph.D., has been a child/parent psychologist and a specialist in child rearing and development for more than 25 years. Her parenting psychology practice is in Emerald Hills, California. She is also on the adjunct faculty in pediatrics at Stanford University School of Medicine. Dr. Rothenberg was the founder/director of the Child Rearing parenting program in Palo Alto, California, and is the author of the award-winning book Mommy and Daddy Area Always Supposed to Say Yes ... Aren't They? For more information about her work, visit www.perfectingparentingpress.com.