We get a lot of advice from well-meaning friends and family before baby is born. Some of the advice is excellent, and some, well… it’s a little off. Like my grandmother, for example, who suggested that I let my four-month-old (who she thought was too pale) get some sun to “brown him like a turkey.”

Here’s what I wish people would have had shared with me instead:

I wish someone had told me how much a new baby can challenge your relationship with your spouse. We could have used that knowledge to help us plan and understand one another. There are many similarities between mothers and fathers, but also many differences. These differences can leave you both scratching your heads.

For instance, moms tend to pick their babies up and pull them face in towards their hearts while soothing and cooing. Moms seem to know as if by magic when baby is over-stimulated and just how to cuddle and calm when needed.

On the other hand, dads will more typically hold babies facing out so they can see what’s going on. They are more likely to swing her up high, bounce her around more, and show her the world from different angles. (With mom in the background saying, “Not so high! Don’t spin her, be careful!” )

Moms tend to feel a sudden and intense bond with their babies–it can be so powerful that virtually nothing can compete with it. Research shows that dads tend to bond with their infants more intensely as the baby gets older. He loves his child, of course, but doesn’t always experience the intensity of the relationship right away.

Some dads report feeling a little displaced and unsure of their roles, or even their usefulness, in those early months. Moms often feel overwhelmed. Sometimes after a day of feeding and cuddling, moms may be so exhausted that just when dad wants some time together, mom is asleep.

Here’s what my husband and I learned: I am not a very good dad, but I’m a great mom. He is not the best mom, but he’s a wonderful dad. We learned to value our own (and each other’s) contributions to our children, and to let our kids experience the best in each of us. We learned that these busy baby days go really fast. That there will be time for each other eventually and that you can find your way together by respecting each other, communicating and not trying to make your partner do everything the way you would do it.

Two teenagers and a five year old later, we’ve also learned to take time for ourselves—walks, dinners, even date nights at home. Remember, this time when your children are young is fleeting; these really are the years you will look back on and miss.

Jennifer Kolari is a child and parent therapist, and founder of Connected Parenting. For more information you can contact Jennifer at [email protected] or visit www.connectedparenting.com.

Tags: connected parenting, jennifer kolari, parenting advice, parenting style, unsolicited parenting advice

This entry was posted on Monday, September 28th, 2009 at 9:41 am and is filed under Jennifer's Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.