I promised I would deal with really difficult in-laws, so here we go. This one is not easy. Having a tense relationship with your in-laws can be stressful and can cause major friction between you and your spouse. One of my dear friends refers to her in-laws as her “out-laws” (sometimes all you can do is try to find the humour in a bad situation). The truth is, some grandparents just do not know the first thing about boundaries and they have no idea when to say something–and more importantly, when not to. If you have a good relationship with your in-laws, consider yourself blessed. If you don’t…take a breath and read on.

First, really go inward and make sure you’re honestly evaluating your role in the situation. Own any behavior you think may be contributing to the situation and do your best to change it. You don’t even have to tell anyone else, you just need to be honest with yourself.

Next, talk to your partner about your feelings, but remember that no matter how unreasonable your in-laws are being, they are still his parents and criticisms about them can be hard for him to hear. This can lead to fights where both of you sling “yeah, but your parents do this and your mother does that’s” at each other. Make sure to acknowledge his feelings, then let him know that you must be a team on this and that together you need to establish boundaries with your in-laws.

Now it’s time to talk to your in-laws. It’s important this is experienced as a communication, not an attack. I teach parents a technique called mirroring, which works beautifully on kids, but here’s a secret – it works equally well on husbands, parents, and in-laws! Try saying something like, “You have raised a family and have more experience than I do. I also know how much you love your grandchildren. But we are parents now, and we need to figure out how to be the best mother and father we can be, our own way,” which will firmly remind them that this is the way you and your husband do things.

If your in-laws persist and it gets ugly, try to be strong, but stay neutral. As soon as you get defensive or start yelling, they will not reflect on their own behavior and will instead become obsessed with yours. Make your point calmly and concisely, then move on. Don’t get sucked back into the argument. Let them know that you have made your point and heard theirs, but you are moving on. Feelings might be a little hurt for a while, but you will have set an important boundary.

If the relationship becomes unbearable, agree with your spouse to be present for portions of visits, then be busy doing something else. It is important not to cut them off completely–that is hard on the relationship with your spouse and may deprive the kids from valuable grandparent time. You have to make some appearances and be there for important events, but can agree with your spouse to be absent from others.

Remember to take the higher ground–if they are really that difficult, there is probably nothing you can do to change them or to help them gain any insight into their own behavior. In other words, it probably has much more to do with them than you. This will help you to not take it so personally and to treasure the positive supportive relationships you do have in your life.

Jennifer Kolari is a child and parent therapist, and found of Connected Parenting. For more information you can contact Jennifer at [email protected] or visit www.connectedparenting.com.

It’s hard enough to navigate the challenges you face with your partner after a new baby, but other relationships can get shaken up as well. Suddenly, getting along with your parents or in-laws can become tricky. My mother is a wonderful mom and a fantastic grandmother, but I do remember a time, just after my first child was born, when she elbowed me out of the way at the change table.

I remember thinking, “Did that just happen?”

I don’t even think she realized it–as my mother, she was used to taking care of me, and taking care of my baby seemed the thing to do. It was hard for her to see me as the mother in this situation and it was an adjustment for her to pull back and support me rather than take over. We had many a blanket war. I would take it off, sure my son would overheat, and she would put it back, certain he would freeze. It took a while for each of us to find our roles and our places.

It can be even more challenging when this battle is playing out with in-laws. Small issues can crop up, such as your baby’s features being attributed exclusively to your partner’s side of the family (as if he was born by immaculate conception), as can bigger issues, like criticizing your parenting or undermining all the work you did to get your child to sleep through the night. This can cause friction between you and your partner too, forcing you to take sides and align with each other or your parents.

The best way to handle these challenges is to remember that most of us work it out and find ways to see the good outweighing the bad. (I’ll deal with problem in-laws in a future blog post–I promise). Grandparents offer a lifetime of wisdom and have already raised their kids to adulthood. If you and your partner disagree on what they have to say, stay neutral–getting mad only escalates things. Listen and reflect back their advice, then make your point. If you’re confident, you will send the message that you hear them, but you and you partner will be making your own choices.

Treasure your baby’s grandparents; the magic, perspective, and history they can bring to your children are incredible gifts. No one can make your child feel as special as a grandparent. You may not always want to hear what grandparents have to say, but their wisdom can be priceless. When it isn’t, find the humour in it. At times, the best thing you can do is shake your head and laugh.

Jennifer Kolari is a child and parent therapist, and founder of Connected Parenting. For more information you can contact jennifer at [email protected] or visit www.connectedparenting.com.